The Rules: First Speech Outtakes
by kismet4891
Summary: Outtake, Peeta POV: Peeta created a simple set of rules to help safeguard his budding relationship with Katniss. No touching while naked, groping is allowed when dressed, and most importantly no physical intimacy until emotional intimacy. But, rules were meant to be broken, or in this case constantly amended.
1. Outtake 1, Chapter 13

**Peeta's POV from wip First Speech, it is not necessary to have read FS to enjoy this one shot, but it would help. This outtake was created as a submission for Prompts in Panem writing challenge on tumblr day five.**_  
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Something is on her mind, I can tell because she has been shifting nervously in her chair and tearing pieces of her dinner roll up. "Katniss, is something wrong?" My stomach twists at having to ask this, the entire time we have been doing, whatever it is we are doing, it is like we take one step back for every two steps forward. I consider yesterday to be maybe five or six steps forward, and am pretty much just waiting for the ball to drop.

"Peeeee-tah," she heavily emphasizes my name, the elongation of the pronunciation is because of exasperation, but reminds me of the breathy way my name wisped from her lips yesterday when I worked my blending brush over her skin, "nothing is wrong, I just have been meaning to ask if you've tested recently." My mind is on the way she had arched her back, pushing her body towards me, moaning, panting my name, I stare at her lips trying to process what she is saying, but the only sensation I can feel is my Judas of a cock straining against my pants. _Et tu, dick? _Apparently jerking off before I picked her up for dinner did nothing in the way of preventing boners in inopportune moments, being around Katniss makes me feel like I'm a horny teenager all over again.

Tests, she mentioned tests, she works as a graduate assistant so tests aren't out of the norm, but I think she is asking me about tests I've taken. I smile and laugh, "I went to nursing school; I've taken plenty of tests, Katniss, just not any recently."

Katniss rolls her eyes at me, this is nothing new and I actually find it kind of cute, "Fuck Peeta, don't be an ass, you know what I mean. Have you been tested… sexually?" Oh, she's asking if I've been tested for sexually transmitted diseases, which is actually good, I've been meaning to initiate this discussion. Katniss has suddenly become nervous and is staring at anything to avoid looking at my face. I never know what type of reaction to expect out of her, she keeps me on my toes. Yesterday we were masturbating in my bedroom together, and today she is fidgeting like a teenager trying to confess to their parents that they had wrecked the family car.

"Of course Katniss, I'm a nurse. I saw enough in my rotation at the student health center during school to be smart about my sexual history." That came out a bit shorter than I intended, and it has nothing to do with her, it's more about my erection, which is pressing tightly against the zipper of my jeans and is becoming uncomfortable.

She smirks at me, "Okay, Nurse Mellark, that's good to know. I'm clean too." The situation in my pants _was_ starting to settle a bit, and then she goes and says something like that. Something so unintentionally sexy, that has an entirely unexpected effect on me. I get called those two things all the time, but the haughty way in which she said it implied authority. I really liked it, and so did my cock.

"So, yeah, I'm on birth control, but I prefer using condoms too." Katniss continues, unaware of what is going on underneath the table, she stares at me, almost like she is waiting for me to object, when I don't she continues, "I feel like it's your responsibility to buy them. Don't even think of showing up with anything scented, lubricated for _my pleasure_,_" _I smile at her perfectly executed sarcasm, "or with weird twists and ribs and shit. I want to come as close to actually feeling you as possible." My heart clenches a bit at how sweet she really is. Katniss started out strong telling me exactly what she wanted, but when it came to admitting something personal, her voice softened and she seemed nervous.

This is one of those proceed with caution moments, because she has given me a little, and if I don't acknowledge it she may never offer anything again. Conversely if I make too big of a deal, say something overly sappy, it will be several more steps backward. I decide to not say something because words tend to frighten her, instead I opt for dropping my fork, reaching across the table and squeezing the hand she has resting on there. Katniss rewards me with one of her genuine smiles, these are my favorite because they are subtle. The sides of her mouth tilt upwards, a small flash of teeth appear through her lips, her cheeks tint a slight pink, and her eyes crinkle at the sides. These are the smiles I have come to live for, they are nothing like any smile any other woman has ever given me, and they are one hundred percent Katniss Everdeen.

* * *

The drive in movie was a good, and bad idea. Good because we made out in the back seat of my Jeep for thirty minutes straight, at first we awkwardly embraced over the console before moving it to the back seat where she straddled me and started grinding into me. She's wearing one of those loose cotton skirts that equal dressing up to her. I love it because she looks stunning and in her element dressed casually, but also because when I made a move to adjust myself I could feel remnants of dampness on the front of my jeans. It was a bad idea because now we are leaving and headed to her house, she is staring out in front of her, cheeks flushed with a gorgeous grin on her face.

The rules are the best and worst thing to happen to our pseudo relationship. Without the rules I'm pretty sure she would have bailed after the first time we were intimate. I like to kid myself and say it would have been because of the connection she felt to me scared her, but I'm smarter than that, she would have left because she got what she originally wanted from me.

I want her so bad it hurts, like I literally will explode if I don't find out what it feels like to be inside her soon, _very soon_. We can't though, it's out of the question and nothing will change that. I think even if Katniss promised not to leave I still wouldn't believe her. I know she has feelings for me, budding, but her possible real feelings, and her natural instinct is to run away. I can see it every time we share something. It's like her fight or flight instinct is warring in her head, making it a struggle to not get up and leave forever.

While it may seem that I have little faith in her, the truth of the matter is that I have little faith in anyone. Usually I choose women who are predictable. I like to have some semblance of control over the relationship, dictate the course of things, and breaking up, well it has always been my choice. With Katniss I know that I could never leave her, barring some unforeseen grievance that she may commit, I'm in too deep, fallen to hard. I know it isn't the same with her, once we sleep together there is nothing tethering her to me. I'm not ready to face the very real possibility that once we have sex she will walk away.

We pull into the drive; I don't know what we are going to do when we get in there. The rules have already been amended, and if we keep up this pace then in a few days we won't have anywhere else to go but all the way. Katniss jumps out of the car and the look she gives me melts my resolve, the guarded air she wears has slipped, and I can see something else blended with desire. I catch these looks from her from time to time, but they usually pass as quickly as they came, and I haven't quite figured out what it means yet. I know it makes me feel wanted, not for just what's between my legs, but actually wanted. I try not to let myself get used to it.

* * *

We've made it back to her bedroom, I'm sitting on the edge of her bed and she has taken to straddling my lap again. "So, I take it the rules are still the rules, right?" Her ass is resting on my knees, and I've got my hands resting lightly on her hips. Katniss' delicate fingers are working her hair loose from her braid, yet her eyes are trained on mine.

I feel like I should apologize to her or something, _shit_ at least apologize to my dick for my behavior, but I don't. "That works for me." It doesn't though, they don't work for me at all, I want to roll her over onto the bed and push into her. We can't take that step just yet, my body may be ready, I'm just not convinced I am.

"Well, did you bring any art supplies or are we doing _this_ clothes on?" Her hair is loose around her face now, she looks fantastic and she feels even better as she closes the distance between our hips and starts swiveling in full, slow circles. My dick has gone from semi erect to fully engorged erection several times tonight, poor guy he's fighting a losing battle.

I lean in and take her bottom lip into my mouth, I know what I _want_ to do, I've been thinking about it on and off since I discovered it. I just want to get her worked up a bit before I ask, because I don't really feel like dealing with sassy Katniss right now, I need compliant Katniss.

I don't think I could ever tire of her kisses. I don't even know how to describe the way she kisses because it is so mind blowing. Most of the women I've kissed have either been too passive or too aggressive, and with Katniss it's perfect. I work my way from her mouth to her neck, her skin is smooth against my lips, and I can smell and faintly taste her vanilla body wash. She throws her head back and moans softly when I begin nibbling on that spot between her jaw and chin that is more sensitive than the rest of her neck.

If I'm going to ask, now is the time to do it. Her whole body has gone slack in my arms, and the only movement she is making is the swivel of her hips against my groin. "I know what I want to do." I murmur into her skin before I resume tediously doling attention to her favorite spot.

"Hmmm."

Her battery operated friend. I had unintentionally stumbled up on it, imagine my surprise to find it there, I was embarrassed. Now, I wish I had spent more time studying it, understanding it. I remember what color it was, but that is all. I'm envious of that little purple bastard, where it's been, what she does to herself with it, but I'm also incredibly fascinated. Especially now, when I have a visual of exactly how she looks with her panties off, I waste time thinking of that purple toy slipping in, and sliding out of her with the guidance of her own small hands. By waste time, I mean jerk off furiously when I'm alone.

"Show me how you use your friend." This catches her attention, and she pulls away from my mouth.

"I think I heard you wrong, because it sounded like you wanted me to go get Johanna." Her eyebrows raise and her lips purse into a thin line.

_Shit_. I thought all of the blood in my body had long ago rushed to my crotch, _I was wrong_, I can feel my cheeks redden.

"Spit it out, Peeta." She looks irritated. Surely she can't think I wanted to involve Johanna.

This is harder to say then it should be, I'm just so unfamiliar with toys and things of this nature in the bedroom, but entirely intrigued by the idea. "Show me how you use the thing in the closet."

It's obvious when realization dawns, her eyes widen, and then she smiles shyly, "It's nothing exciting, but yeah we can try that." She backs up off of my lap and retrieves the purple toy from the closet. I stare at it in her hands. It is more slender than I remember, I had imagined it to be the size of me or something similar, but it isn't as thick. Katniss stands there holding the sparkly, purple object, shifting her weight from foot to foot. She's nervous now, I can tell by the way she is working her bottom lip with her tooth. "Technically speaking, I mean, with the rules and all, can't you touch me with this?" She is doing something with the flat end of the toy and it buzzes to life and then off again, on and then off again.

"I don't see why not." I extend my hand and she places the mysterious purple object in my palm, it's cool to the touch and I'm not sure how she got it to buzz. "How does it work?" She reaches over and shows me how the flat end turns, the more I turn it the faster the buzzing. How the hell am I going to pull this off. "Will you show me how to get started?"

"Peeta." My name is a soft plea on her lips, this fantastically vulgar girl is completely subdued at the idea of showing me how to pleasure her. I'm starting to figure out that Katniss Everdeen is all brash words, and when it comes time to action she is actually rather timid.

I kick out of my shoes, raise my legs, and settle myself on the bed before I reach for her. Katniss takes my hand and joins me on the bed. I lean in and kiss her, hoping to settle both of our nerves, and get things rolling back on the right track. The kisses progress quickly and soon I find myself hovering over the top of her as our mouths and hips move together. Her legs are wrapped around my hips, and I can feel the damp heat of her pressed up against me. My cock is throbbing and aching from pressing against her as tightly as I can manage.

The kiss breaks, we are both panting hard and need to stop to breathe. I press my forehead into hers and our eyes connect, she gives me that genuine smile again, the one that is so hard to come by and I'm overwhelmed with everything right now; the feel of her, this connection with her, just the fact that I'm here with her and she wants me. My eyes close, and I push myself up off of her then slide down her body. I slip my fingers into the waist band of her skirt, catching her underwear in the process, and pull both articles of clothing off of her. Katniss' knees, which had been bent up towards the ceiling with her legs slightly spread, clamp together suddenly. "Shuck some clothing, Mellark. It's only fair."

"You're right." My shirt and jeans hit the floor, and I swear I hear my cock breathe a sigh of relief. I make a move to spread her legs, when I remember that I can't touch her. "Katniss, quit being shy I've seen you already, remember?"

Her legs fall open, hesitantly, but still they are open and suddenly I can see her. It's hard not to stare, but I know I can't because she'll pick up on it and assume something aside from the fact that I think she is beautiful. "Uh," I clear my throat, "where do I start?" I know I thought I wanted to try the vibrator out, that was before I was face to face with her lovely, wet folds. She is thoroughly flushed a deep red and completely soaked, there isn't an adjective that would do describing her justice. I want to taste her, really taste her, not through her underwear, and I want to make her come so that her thighs clench around my head so hard that I won't be able to hear her screams.

"Well, I don't usually fuck around too much. When it's just me there isn't a lot of need for romance, so I pretty much just crank up the vibration and direct it on my clit."

I switch the vibrator on and run it up and down her folds. She pulls her knees further up the bed exposing herself to me more, and I can now make out where she is wanting me to direct the attention of the vibration. I do exactly what she wants, and she bucks up off the bed with first contact. I see where this is headed, I want to delay gratification, make her wait, make her orgasm that much more intense. I slide it down, and insert the vibrator into her just slightly, she starts emitting a low hum.

"That's good. Turn the vibration off." My dick is throbbing at her demands, I push the vibrator in and she lets loose a deep moan. Her hands find her tits and she starts rubbing at them roughly, it's so hot watching her loose herself this way. I want to be inside her, but I can't. Instead I just focus on the motions of the toy, the resistance and tightness I feel, ravishing her by proxy.

"Fuck Peeta, _oh god_." I continue working the vibrator in and out of her, intentionally brushing up against her clit before I plunge it back down inside her. Her hips are working in tandem with my motions, up off the bed and then back down again, she is setting the pace of how I thrust the toy into her now. Her hands are still working her tits in a forceful fashion, squeezing, pinching, pulling.

Out of nowhere she backs up and off of the vibrator. I'm afraid I've done something wrong until she flips onto her stomach, raises her knees and pushes her back end up into the air towards me. Katniss is resting on her elbows with her ass slightly higher, her legs are spread further now. Seeing her in this new position is almost more than I can handle. It takes everything I have to not slip my boxers down and plunge into her, instead I slip the vibrator back in and she immediately pushes back. "Not so deep, hit the spot, hit my spot." _Oh_, I suddenly understand why she switched positions. It's really fucking sexy the command and knowledge she has of her body and what she needs.

I can't take this anymore. I slip my hand into my boxers and start to stroke myself mirroring the thrusts of the vibrator into her. The movements of her hips are jerkier, rolling faster and harder against the purple toy, I see her hand move towards her clit and I don't even think about it when I lean over and attach my mouth to her. The instant my lips touch to her swollen skin she starts whining, honest to god a sharp, mangled noise comes from her that can only be described as a deep whine. My neck is bent at an awkward angle, with my hand about my head holding the toy in place while I taste her. It doesn't take long before her knees are trembling, struggling to keep her up, her hips suddenly still, and I feel convulsions move all the way through her.

When she collapses on the bed I realize that I blew my goddamn load all over my hand and the inside of my boxers. I don't remember exactly when it happened; I was too involved and mesmerized in what was going on with Katniss. I'm pretty sure that something like this isn't possible without me realizing, but it just happened.

"Peeta," my name is merely a whisper on her lips, it is the most incredible thing in the world hearing her say my name, "come here." Katniss has rolled to her side, laying her head on the pillow. I swiftly move to her.

"You are something else, you know that. I, uh, I…you're important to me, you know that, right?" She asks, but then suddenly kisses me as if she can't bear to hear my answer. My heart drops a little, in a good way, a way that makes me feel tingly all over. I know how much it took her to say that, and even if the only reason she said it was because she was drunk off of her orgasm, I'll take it. I'll take whatever I can get from her.

Katniss pulls away from the kiss and starts to move down my body, "What are you doing?"

"You broke the rules, you better believe I'm going to too." She looks tired, but her eyes are dancing. "I've been wanting to get my mouth on you for some time now."

"Katniss…" My voice trails off as my hands find her shoulders, and I stop her before she finds the mess I've made of my shorts.

"No fucking way, Peeta. You got to do it, you aren't fucking denying me this now." It would be laughable how angry she was about not getting to blow me, if I wasn't sure she would slap me if I laughed.

"I went when you did, at least I think I did." I admit this sheepishly. She raises the band of my boxers and peeks down into my pants, like I would lie about something like that. I want her mouth on me too, more than I care to admit.

She wrinkles her nose at me, "I'll forgive it this time, but I'm serious Mellark, I'm going to blow you soon." I pull her back up to me and into my arms, the smell of her hair overtaking my senses.

"Technically we didn't break any rules, we said no touching, not no kissing." She squeezes me tightly and my eyes close, I am content and satisfied there isn't much that could prevent me from falling asleep.

Katniss is using her finger to trace circles on my chest, "Peeta?"

"Yes, Katniss."

"I, well, uh…" My heart beat had started to slow and relax, but now suddenly has sped up ten times and is beating erratically, I can't fathom what she is getting ready to say. I feel her mouth open against my chest, and then close again as if she is struggling to say something. "I just, well, I'm glad I knocked you over that night at the bar." Anyone else would scoff at such an admission, take it lightly, and not think anything of it, but not me, I've come to really know Katniss, and I know what a big deal it is that she said it.

My response is simple, anything else would scare her away, "Me too, Katniss, me too."

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**A/N: Thank you to Wildharp for beta'ing and for the wonderful ladies that moderate Prompts in Panem for their wonderful ideas and extremely hard work.**

**Please let me know what you think. I've never done a Peeta POV before and I really debated whether or not it is something the readers of _First Speech_ would be interested in. Thank you for reading!**


	2. Outtake 2, Chapter 14

**Companion outtake to Chapter 14 of First Speech, Peeta's POV:**

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Work sucks tonight, even more than usual because all I can think about is Katniss flipping onto her stomach, sliding the vibrator in and out of her, and what it was like to finally taste her. Scrub pants are the worst for hiding awkward boners, and things become even more compromised when Katniss starts sending me dirty text messages.

_I can't wait to wrap my lips around your cock._ She messages me and I groan, yeah I can't wait for this either, but when I'm dealing with the world's worst set of patients tonight I really can't afford to walk around with the front of my pants tented. Katniss Everdeen and her filthy mouth will be the death of me, well maybe not the death of me, but maybe the reason I get fired.

I went and saw Bubby for lunch today, and he could tell that something was up and kept giving me shit until I fessed up and mentioned that I had met a girl. Of course he wanted to see a photo, "Ah, yeah Peet, she's pretty." He complimented as I showed him a photo I had snapped at the lake the other day. Katniss is sitting beside Harper with her arm snaked into his black fur, and the sun is setting in the background. I plan on painting this image, saving it forever on canvas; I just haven't gotten around to it.

"Is that her dog?" That's my brother, always concerned with the big issues, he loves dogs and immediately demanded to meet Katniss and Harper as soon as possible.

Anyone else would have a hard time understanding his slurred speech, but I've been communicating with him for years, and the detriment that the damage to his brain left him with is barely noticeable to me anymore. When he asked me what it was about Katniss that made her special, I told him honestly that she was unlike anyone I had ever met before, that we connected, and that sometimes it was hard work knowing her. "Someone's got it bad, baby bro. I'm serious I want to meet her unless you're scared she will like me more, everyone knows I'm the charming Mellark."

I told him that I would talk to her about maybe coming over this weekend when he came to stay. I also threatened him about telling any embarrassing stories about me, warning him that if he didn't behave I'd tell her what his real name was.

Bubby has insisted on going by the nickname my four year old self strapped him with instead of what my mom named him because it is the male version of _her_ name, and he wants nothing to do with her. I don't blame him and no one else does either, so he has been Bubby and will remain so.

We text back and forth a few times, and she asks me to make breakfast for her. I can't really imagine getting off this shift from Hell and cooking, but I'll do it for her, especially if it means getting to see her in little bit, and possibly hear more about what she does to herself when she thinks about me. The thought of her writhing and moving underneath the ministrations of her own hands leaves me hard in an instant, I can almost hear the beautiful little noises that drop from her mouth in the throes of climaxing. _This fucking boner is never going away, is it?_

I'm considering how to introduce the idea of Katniss meeting Bubby to her when she texts that she has something she wants to talk to me about. Understandably, this makes me a bit nervous and I decide not to bring up meeting my brother until after I hear what it is she wants to talk about.

Hopefully the next six hours will pass quickly, because I can't wait to see her and am anxious to hear what she wants my opinion on.

* * *

Gale Hawthorne is one intimidating mother fucker.

He damn near charged me when Katniss, Prim, and I first arrived, it was like he was a goddamn bull and I was wearing a red jumpsuit. I know the asshole is just looking out for Katniss, but I don't deserve to get the stare down all night long, and that is what is happening.

I'm minding my business, trying to hold a conversation with Mrs. Everdeen, which is difficult given her space cadet act and that the one thing we have in common, nursing, is something that she seems to have forgotten once doing, when I notice Gale approaching.

He towers over me height wise and is all black hair and brooding eyes, if I didn't know better I would swear that he and Katniss were related, "Listen, I think you and I need to just get this out there. Last time I saw Katniss she was torn up and bawling into my shirt because of your dumb ass." This display of dominance is just about laughable, but I know that he is entirely serious and I have respect for him taking care of Katniss all these years, even if she was capable of taking care of herself.

"Gale, I have no intention of hurting Katniss, and she was upset over a misunderstanding. I appreciate your concern, but try and have a little faith in me, because Katniss does." My attempt at placating Gale is ill received and his fists clench at his side.

"I know I'm coming off like an asshole," well, at least he knows it, "but you don't know the half of what she has been through. I'm shocked to even see you here today, because it isn't how Katniss operates and you must have some hold over her for her to bring you here. If you betray that trust, you answer to me, you hear?"

I'm shocked, I'm pretty sure he just threatened me with physical violence, and typically I wouldn't bow down to him, but I just want to do right by Katniss, so if I have to prove it to her best friend, then so be it. "Okay Gale, I hear you and you have my word that I'll do my best by her."

"Your best better be enough because she deserves the world man, you have no clue how lucky you are." And with that, Gale walks away like our tense exchange of words never happened.

The next time I see him he is making a heartfelt admission about his fiancé and kissing her sweetly in front of the entire crowd. I have a hard time reconciling the man who threatened me with the enamored man declaring his love for his fiancé. I didn't want to like Gale Hawthorne because of the way he talked to me, but when I see Katniss watching her best friend with tears in her eyes and she tells me it's because she is so happy, I can't help but respect him for what he has done for her over the years.

We wrap our arms around one another and dance to the song that made Gale realize that he couldn't live without Madge, and I can't fight the overwhelming desire to be the man that Katniss can rely on. I doubt she will ever allow it, but I wonder what it would be like to have her come to me and let me take care of her.

Her eyes find mine and I wish I knew what she was thinking, she seems reflective and caught in her own little world. I wonder what it would be like to love her, _if only she would let me_. I quickly dismiss these thoughts, Gale's right, I'm lucky to just have her in my life.

There is no sense wishing for something that will never happen. I focus on the feeling of her arms wrapped around me and try and convince myself that _this_ is enough.

* * *

I'm drunker than I intended to get tonight. It's been a great night, and I've had a pretty damn good time with all of Katniss' friends and while I am drunk, I'm pretty sure that Katniss is completely soused. I lost track of everything that she has had to drink, and I have been really enjoying this relaxed version of Katniss as she laughs freely as she sings along to the music playing.

Her singing voice was a shock to me, it is beautiful, clear, strong, and unlike anything I expected to hear come from her mouth. I plan on asking her to sing for me when she isn't drunk, and the song selection is something other than Garth Brooks. Aside from hearing her sing, my favorite thing about inhibition free Katniss is the way that she is freely giving of her affections with me, sitting in my lap, playing with my hair, kissing me when the urge hits her.

However, I stop drinking when I realize that she is having a hard time getting around without tripping over her feet, and the filthy things she is whispering in my ear start getting loud enough for everyone around us to hear.

To my benefit, Katniss seems to be especially fixated on my cock tonight, this is also to my detriment, and I find myself constantly rearranging as my body reacts to her provocations. Prim catches my eye and makes a motion towards the car, and I can't help but agree. It's time to get Katniss home before she does something to get herself in trouble.

Prim is driving Katniss and I back to their home, Katniss is singing to the radio when all of a sudden she stops, unbuckles, and crawls over the console and into my lap. "I just realized I missed you." She tells me as she snuggles into me, and I'm left wondering where this sweet Katniss came from. I kind of miss the scowl and sarcasm. It'll be back tomorrow so I'll enjoy this side of Katniss while I've got it.

"Sis, I need you to buckle up, okay? It makes me nervous." Prim calls from the front seat and I make eye contact with her in the rear view mirror long enough to see her roll her eyes, I have a feeling that we will be hearing about this tomorrow.

Katniss lets out an exaggerated sigh, but complies with her sister's wishes. She plants herself in the middle seat beside me, buckling the belt and then leaning over to kiss my neck. "You look so hot tonight, and all I can think about is how it's been two days since I've seen you naked." She whispers as she presses hot kisses behind my ear, and her hand trails dangerously up my thigh.

I'm already half hard from the way that she danced with me earlier and the things she has been telling me all night. Even though Prim is in the front seat, there is just enough alcohol in my system that I do what I want and forget about her momentarily. I grab Katniss' hand, bring it to rest on the zipper of my pants, then press down and push over the thick fabric. I harden under her touch and suppress a groan when she whispers to me how wet she is.

Prim clears her throat in the front seat and I realize we are in the drive way, "Just keep it down, okay?"

I'm thoroughly embarrassed to have been caught by Katniss' baby sister, but Katniss seems oblivious and is working her palm over the top of me while sucking on my neck. Prim lets herself out of the car, and Katniss unfastens her belt buckle and then mine before straddling me. I notice that she is a bit unsteady so I suggest that we head inside and she agrees.

She leads me to her room, swaying while she walks, but seemingly steady on her feet for someone of her size that has been drinking all night. I press her up against her bedroom door and kiss her, pulling her bottom lip in between mine before sliding my tongue into her mouth. Katniss moans loudly and I remember Prim asking us to keep it down, I open the door and kiss her until we hit a wall. The kisses are uncoordinated and messy, we just can't seem to catch our usual rhythm before Katniss drops to her knees in front of me and states that she wants me to fuck her mouth.

I knew this was coming, she has been prepping me all night, warning me that this was what was going to happen, but I still can't believe she is sitting on her knees before me. _Fuck the rules._ She starts fiddling with my pants and I help her slide them down my hips, I think I want this more than I should considering I know that she is drunk. She seems to want it too, if all the things she has been telling me is any indication, so when she grabs me by the base of my cock and raises herself face-to-face with my erection I brace myself against the wall and prepare for the feeling of her wet mouth around me.

Katniss is silly, and giggling about everything, so when she finally takes me in her mouth it is almost unexpected because she had been goofing off so much. I had started to think she was just going to hold my cock and make bad jokes all night.

At first I am completely overwhelmed that she finally has her mouth on me and being completely enveloped between her lips, I'm pretty sure a gasp escapes my mouth before I realize that something is off. The sensation is hot and clammy, sticky almost, and lacking the typical slick gliding sensation that usually accompanies receiving head. It's a bit uncomfortable for me, and not much better for her I realize as she keeps stopping and starting again.

"We don't have to do this tonight." I say to her as I pull on her shoulder trying to raise her to my level, I feel like shit, almost like I'm taking advantage of her while drunk.

"I've got a much better idea anyway, sit on the bed." She whispers before backing away and sliding her pants and underwear down her legs, "My mouth is a little dry, but I'm not dry here." Katniss boldly states before slipping a finger in between her legs and then raising it to my lips. I don't feel bad anymore, it is obvious how much she wants to fool around, she probably isn't as drunk as I assumed.

I lick her finger dry, as always she tastes amazing and if she is asking for me to go down on her I will happily comply. Then she goes to straddle me and I'm confused, "Katniss, I don't have a condom."

It's true, I don't and even if she is on birth control and we are both clean, I'm not going to be with her like this. I want us both mentally present, I want to make love to her, I want to teach her about how incredible it can feel when you really care for the person you are with. This won't do, not when she won't remember, the rules are essentially gone, but I'm not giving in on this no matter how wet she is, or how good she tastes.

"We aren't going to fuck, Peeta." She says like I'm stupid for assuming that is what she wanted to do, "I mean, we can maybe play just the tip a little bit if you think you can control yourself, but I just thought it would be nice to rub against one another's bathing suit parts for a bit." She suppresses a small laugh, apparently what she said tickled her, _again._

Katniss is holding herself slightly above my lap and reaches beneath her, she locates where my dick is, and scoots closer until I'm resting in between her folds. She pushes me back until I'm lying on the bed and she is on top of me. My hardness is resting on my stomach, the tip pointed towards my face. "Besides, I know the 'rules' and I'm not looking break them tonight." Then she begins to shift back and forth, gliding over my cock, and I forget my name.

She is hot, wet, and surrounding me and it feels fucking amazing. After all of Katniss' hushed promises of a blow job, these aren't the lips of hers that I thought I would end up between tonight, but I'm not complaining.

I grasp her hips and help her maintain a steady rhythm as she moves back and forth, every pass over the sensitive head of my cock is almost too much and I know that I won't last long. Katniss is whimpering and leans over, starting to ball up against my chest as her hips grind roughly against my cock, "I'm not going to last long like this." I warn her, and she slips a hand between her legs and starts working at her clit.

The visual stimulation is all I need, I come and it shoots up onto my stomach between us. Katniss stills the motion of her hips, but lies completely over on my chest and her hand continues to work between her legs before she seizes up, presumably experiencing her own orgasm. She is incredibly still, it is possible that she has passed out on top of me. There are a lot worse things that could have happened tonight.

We lay there for awhile and I am beginning to consider how to roll her off of me without waking her, when suddenly she speaks, and I know that nothing between us will ever be the same again. "I get it Peeta. I understand the rules now, you know? And, you're right; we should wait to have sex until you love me too."

The implication of what she is saying is clear, _Katniss Everdeen loves me_. I started sobering up at the beginning of the fly paper mouthed blow job she was attempting, and I have continually worked to shake the alcohol induced daze with every movement of her sliding over my cock. _She actually loves me_.

This is not an admission I was expecting, nor is it one that I think she was expecting to say. I've got some pretty strong feelings for her too, but I've been working really hard at keeping them in check because I didn't want to get swept away in something that wasn't a possibility. I don't know how I feel about this, I know that the fact that she doesn't think I love her back makes me feel pretty damn awful.

Katniss is completely blitzed, her entire body is on top of mine, her cheek is laying flat against my chest, and we are both naked from the waist down. My flaccid cock is even still wedged between her legs from our little game of slip and slide ten minutes ago. My heart skips a beat, I was just wondering what it would be like to love her tonight and then hours later she makes an admission like this.

"Katniss?" I question while tugging on her hair slightly, "Are you awake?" She nods her response into my chest, she is so complacent right now and still so drunk that I know I'll most likely get an honest answer, "Are you in love with me?"

She sits up suddenly, I've gotten her attention with my question, and wobbles back and forth as she tries to steady herself on my chest. I put my hands on her hipbones to help her out, and she lifts one leg over my body and then stops suddenly. I see her chest do a tell tale lurch, and her hand raises to cover her mouth, this discussion will have to wait until tomorrow because right now I need to get her to the toilet before she empties her stomach contents all over me.

We are in the bathroom for thirty minutes while Katniss heaves innumerable times, when she isn't face down in the toilet she is begging me to just let her sleep on the floor, insisting that it was her plan all the long. I make sure her hair stays out of the mess and then help her rinse her mouth and face before dressing her in the pajamas in her bag. She lies on the cool tile of the bathroom floor while I ready myself for bed, and she has fallen into a deep sleep by the time I am ready to sleep, so I carry her to her childhood room. She is dead to the world as I place a kiss to her forehead and make my way out to the living room, even though she said her mom wouldn't care if I slept in her room, I make a bed on the couch for myself.

Sleep does not come though, my mind is alive with the fact that she all but admitted that she is in love with me. It's not that I don't love her, it's quite possible that I do. Katniss just spent so much time pushing me away that we have skipped all the typical courting rituals, and if this is love I want to do it right. That's why I implemented the rules, well that and so I would have some semblance of control over the progression of our relationship to prevent myself from falling for her.

I have no control over the situation now, and it is different than the lack of control I felt earlier when I was just entertaining the idea of her and I loving each other openly and freely.

Understandably, I'm freaking out, and I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do given that her admission was borne out of excessive alcohol consumption, but tomorrow morning I plan on stripping away all the pretense and talking this through with her.

I want to love her, I just never expected to be loved by her, and before I'm ready to commit myself one hundred percent to being with her I need to hear her say the words while sober.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for all the wonderful reviews and a giant thank you to my tremendous beta, Wildharp! **


	3. Outtake 3, Chapter 15, 16, & 17

**Peeta and Katniss were together for most of Chapter 15 and 16, so if I did a true scene-by-scene outtake of each chapter it would be repetitive. Instead, I decided to just go with Peeta's inner monologue for most of it, with pieces of dialogue interspersed so that it can be matched up to the original chapters in **_**First Speech**_**. **

**There is a little bonus, as I have included the first part of Chapter 17, which is not yet published.**

* * *

_First Speech, Chapter 15…_

I hear her in the bathroom, and go to her, needing to see her. When we fall back into bed and her hand reaches for mine, pulling me close, chest flush with her back as she squirms around to get comfortable, I realize just how deep I am in.

I've curled back up with Katniss, trying to fall asleep even though I have been wide awake since she made her declaration earlier. Fatigue washes over me as the steady lull of Katniss's breathing helps to even my own. I'm so close to dropping from lucidity, but being tucked in next to Katniss brings forth a memory that I haven't considered for a long time.

My childhood is not one filled with happy memories. In fact, I don't have many memories from this time really. It's not so much a matter of me trying to forget, I think I had to forget in order to really be able to function.

There is one memory I do have though, one filled with laughter and smiling faces, when my dad had a moment he felt the need to do something fatherly. I couldn't have been more than nine, but I recall the day like it was yesterday.

He took my brothers and I fishing. I'm not sure he knew much about fishing or what it entailed, but he knew enough to make sure that we got worms on our hooks and lines in the water.

It was Bubby whose line tightened first, as a fish struggled to free itself from the hook lodged in its mouth. Of course we all dropped our poles and ran to his side to watch him reel in his catch. I remember being a bit disappointed when the fish finally plopped onto the bank beside us. It was small, but beautiful streaked with yellows and oranges. There was a blue spot beside its eye, and the fins were sharp and spiky. I'm not sure why I was disappointed, I think I thought it would be bigger, more impressive. Instead it was a small thing, but had lovely coloring.

We formed a semi-circle around the struggling creature, and watched as its mouth opened and closed, open and closed, desperately trying to pull oxygen from the air. It was improbable, the fish surely realized this, being free from its watery home, but still it persisted in trying. I remember my dad stating that a perch wasn't good eating and said we would toss it back. When he went to free it from its hook and place it back in the water, Dad realized the hook wasn't lodged in its lip, but rather its gut.

Dad snipped the line and tossed the fish back in the water, I remember being relieved and grateful that the fish was free to return home, happy he could breathe again. It wasn't until later, when I noticed a very similar fish floating stomach side up near where we were fishing, that I realized it never had a chance. It's impossible to survive with a hook spearing your guts. Once something like that catches a hold of you, you are done.

I have always struggled to maintain this elusive balance between living in the present, while protecting myself from the past.

It's been relatively easy to do, until now.

Katniss Everdeen is an unstoppable force. She barreled her way into my life, causing me to feel things in a depth that I have never allowed myself to feel before. I've known this was a possibility, that her influence on me would burrow deep down and never let me go. I've known for a while that life after her will never be the same. I have been resigned to this, okay with this, because I was enjoying the present. Being with her is worth it.

I just never stopped to consider what might happen if she actually felt the same way I did.

It seems impossible.

I relate to the fish.

My chest is heavy with dread, my mind scrambling to make sense of what happened, of what she admitted. There is a tiny part of me that wants to enjoy this moment, bask in it, truly feel what it feels like to be loved- welcome it. However, there is a much larger part of me that nags and pulls, telling me that she is mistaken, that she can't possibly love me.

Unsurprisingly, the voice is reminiscent of my mother's, and the things she used to say to try to convince me of my worth. I haven't laid eyes on her in years, but I will always carry her voice with me.

Bubby is the only person in my life I can depend on and trust to always be there, every single other person has fallen short of the expectations that I had.

I doubt she meant it.

I want to believe it…but I can't.

It's a risk I just can't take, because even though I relate to the delicate nature of the fish, feel the weight of its plight, I can't bear to end up like that.

My fate will mirror that of the fish if I let myself love her back, only to discover she lied, or was wrong, or wasn't as serious as I. If she leaves, and really it's just a matter of time before she does because they all leave, what will happen to me?

**…**

It soon becomes very clear that Katniss does not remember saying 'I love you' last night, she doesn't even remember that we fooled around. I'm not sure if this is a blessing. It means I can drop the subject, that we don't have to talk about it. That would require me forgetting it though, banishing it from my mind.

I don't think I can do that.

I joke with her, we talk and tease. With every frown, giggle, and playful kiss my heart clenches a little bit more. I feel like I'm doing a good job keeping up this charade, playing the part of a happy-go-lucky guy. Katniss doesn't let on that she can see the inner turmoil I'm fighting, so I assume she has no clue.

This changes though; it's a subtle shift that slips over me during the car ride home. The closer we get to home, the more nervous I become about everything. I'm doing a good job, at least I'm pretty sure I am, channeling this into preparing her to meet my brother.

Having her meet Bubby is a really big fucking deal.

I find myself telling her all about him and how to act when around him. Katniss's irritation is not missed on me, I can see her struggling not to run her mouth or roll her eyes. For the most part though, she does a great job of this until I've got my back turned while making sandwiches. I'm filling her in on some pretty specific stuff while I toast the bread and layer the cheese. "Okay, and remember to talk slowly so he can process it, but not so much that he knows what you are doing because that makes him feel singled out."

"Got it." Her voice bites back at me. I'm not trying to frustrate her, just prepare her.

Katniss really needs to understand how important every little detail is. I ignore the irritation in her voice and continue, "And, I know that he is sometimes hard to understand, and if you don't know what he is saying you can ask him to repeat, but not too much. I mean, I guess just look at me and maybe I'll repeat it in a way that doesn't let on that you didn't get it, okay?"

I hear the sound of the chair moving across the tile, then feel her arms wrap around my waist as she lays her head on my back. I fucking love it when she does this, and just can't get enough of it. It is such an intimate gesture, really showing how comfortable we have become with one another. "It's going to be fine, Peeta," she assures, and her arms squeeze me in a comforting hug, "despite what you think I'm quite likeable, and your brother sounds great. I'll be respectful of his differences without making it obvious, okay? I know it's asking a lot for you to trust me with meeting him, if you aren't ready for it, I can leave now."

Katniss is missing the point completely, I didn't want to make her feel like I wanted her to go or that he won't like her, "I don't want you to leave. I want you to meet him." I tell her, trying to reassure her that I want this to happen, that I trust her with my Bubby. I fear I'm coming off like a jerk.

I don't want to be a jerk.

I want to be a man who deserves her.

I turn around to face her and apologize. She kisses me, and it is the first real contact we have had with one another since last night. Her body feels amazing pressed up against mine, causing me to take the kiss deeper cradling her head while I tease at her lips with my tongue. Katniss moves her body against mine, and I feel my cock stiffen at the contact, the weight of her pressing against me making my heart race. I know I should stop; my brothers will be here any moment.

Fuck, she feels so good pressed against me. Her lips moving with mine relaxes me, I'm losing myself in her. With every stroke of her tongue against mine, every heave of her panting chest as she struggles to breathe, my doubts and fears about our relationship slip out of my mind. My hands caress her hips, pushing slightly as I try to maneuver her back against the counter so I can hoist her there and take this contact a little further.

"Geez, Peet!" Bubby's voice echoes through the room and Katniss backs away from me, shocked. I keep a tight grasp on her though, as I need her to stand in front of me and help hide my engorged cock.

**…**

Things progress pretty fluidly from here, Bubby is smitten with Katniss. He jokes with her, and she fires it right back. They choose a movie, and I help settle Bubby into his recliner, lifting him from his wheelchair and tucking him in. Bubby is in rare form, throwing out one liners and complimenting Harper for being a good dog. I put Hemingway in his lap reminding him that he was here first. I can't have him forgetting who helps me take care of him.

Bubby grins at this, he is all smiles this afternoon, and I can't help but think his mood is a direct reflection of Katniss's presence, "Katniss, what are you doing with this joker? You need to dump your boyfriend here and pick his brother."

It has to be Katniss, despite what it may seem like Bubby has tough days too. Days where he has a hard time finding his smile, or we have trouble regulating his temperature, or he simply doesn't feel well.

For every jab that Bubby tosses out there, Katniss joins in, dishing it alongside him. I've become their favorite topic for teasing, and I don't mind one bit, "If you can believe it, Peeta's never asked me to be his girlfriend, so technically I'm a free agent."

I twist around and look at her, even though she is teasing there is a slight tense undercurrent to her voice that lets me know she is serious. Katniss continues to surprise me. Things between us have been so hot or cold, all or nothing, that I didn't think bringing up the 'girlfriend' word was important to her…apparently it was though.

Katniss looks at me and I call her to join me in the kitchen, my heart thrumming loudly in my ears as I ask her the question I hadn't even considered asking before. We jest and tease, but the moment is actually endearing. She seems a bit shy as she admits that she just wanted to know she was important to me, and I realize that Katniss is in deeper than I have given her credit for. This new knowledge does nothing to assuage my fears that she didn't mean the words she spoke last night, but for the first time I try to let myself really believe that she did.

When she kisses me, I try desperately to forget what she said last night and enjoy the moment, but, it is there constantly. Nagging at me, making me second guess it and want to analyze it further. I can't though, not now when I've got my brother here, and we are making so much relationship progress.

Katniss just defined the relationship without my prompting, it should reassure me.

It doesn't.

**…**

Bubby is tucked in bed and Katniss is straddling me. I had called her back to my room to lay it all out there, to find out if she loves me, or if it was just a drunken admission. She's making it hard on me, literally, between the ministrations of her mouth and tongue against my skin, and the circles she is making with her hips over my cock, I am straining against my pants. My hands are on her ass, pulling and guiding her over me, creating a friction that makes it hard for me to think straight.

"I think we should talk about something you said last night before we get distracted." I spit out as her lips find my ear lobe, tonguing it gently and pulling in between her soft lips.

Her response is muffled, "Oh, I can only imagine the things that came out of my mouth if I did the thing with the finger you mentioned earlier. Can we not, and say we did?" If she weren't so close to my ear I wouldn't have been able to understand her.

It's hard to keep focused, but I have to. I need to know where I stand, and if I don't ask now I'll lose my nerve, allowing self-doubt to eat at me until I have convinced myself that it is impossible, "Katniss, we really need to talk about it." I have a hard time catching my breath and so does Katniss, she promises that she is listening to me, but I put my hands on her shoulders and push her back until we are face-to-face. I need to see what her response is.

I close my eyes and brace myself, opening them right before I remind her of the words that tumbled from her lips in a drunken haze. I want to hear her say them sober. I need to hear them again, but doubt that I will. I'm sure it was a mistake on her part.

I admit the words she spoke and Katniss thinks it is a joke. I can see the wheels turning in her head, talking herself out of being anything but angry. She demands again what it was that she said, and my stomach sinks. Not only does she not remember, she is incredibly angry right now.

"What did you say when I said _that_?" Katniss demands, livid and pointing a finger in my direction. I don't know what the right response is so I don't say anything. If I tell her I didn't get a chance to respond because I needed to process it, she will think I don't feel the same. If I say I reciprocated then I'm lying to her.

It's a lose-lose situation, with neither option being preferable.

The longer I look at her, the more I can see emotions shifting around her face, the one most prominent being hurt. I didn't mean to hurt her; if she is hurt then it must mean she meant it, right? This whole situation is escalating and morphing into something I never intended it to. "Well you and I didn't fuck, did we? Apparently that trick doesn't work as well as I thought it would." She spits the words out haughtily, I've hurt her, but her comment has pissed me off.

We are so far past this bullshit. She's hiding behind sarcasm and I call her on it. I know her well enough to know that pushing her into a corner isn't going to get us anywhere. Yet, suddenly I'm so desperate to hear the words, to know that I mean something to her that I do it anyways. Katniss quite possibly has real, meaningful feelings for me and I need to know, but when she admits that she loves me, instead of repeating the words back to her, I ask her not to cry.

She isn't just crying, she is sobbing. Loud wracking sobs that tear me up inside and leave me breathless. At this point, saying the words I want so badly to say will do nothing but infuriate her. In this one regard, Katniss and I are similar. We want to believe that which is easier to believe, even if it means downplaying our importance.

She's going to leave if I don't confess what's really going on. She's going to walk out that door and never come back. I've given her no reason to stay, my tongue fettered by hurt I'm not willing, or wanting, to discuss.

The type of hurt that goes way back to roots unknown, stemming from years of waiting for the next person to leave or bad thing to happen.

She should walk away, I wouldn't blame her.

I doubt I'd ever be the same, but I wouldn't fault her.

It's not about her not being good enough for me. It destroys me that she feels that way, that I've made her feel that way, and just goes to prove the point that I'm not good enough for her.

I knew this was coming because I set the sabotage myself. Things were going too well, she was responding to Bubby in ways that I never could have hoped for.

Bubby, this is why the sabotage was necessary.

Bubby, who joked with her freely and was already becoming entirely too attached to her to end well for either of us.

I still can't believe I brought up her drunken admission. It had been on my mind all day, and I knew that either she meant it and it would ruin me, or she didn't mean it and that would ruin me. The words tumbled from my mouth, and I knew in that moment she meant it.

Katniss loves me.

* * *

_First Speech, Chapter 16_

She's unloading on me now, and I deserve it. I'm listening to her, I swear, but then I hear Bubby. Either he has heard Katniss and I arguing, or he has had a nightmare. I'm not sure which the preferable option is.

Harper greets me right outside of Bubby's door, whining and pawing at the door. I give him a quick pat as I open the door. My brother is wide awake, face painted in terror letting me know that it was a nightmare, and not our fight, that woke him. "Bad one?" I ask him as I pull a chair up to the bed to sit next to him.

Bubby's head bobs up and down, and I reach for his hand squeezing, "Want to talk?" My question is accented with Harper jumping up into bed with Bubby and lying beside him.

"Um, it was just one of the black ones." He doesn't have to say more, this is the most frequent type of nightmare he suffers. It's like he is trapped in a dark room and can't get out. They terrify him, and I hate that there is nothing I can do.

"I'm here now Bubs, and look you've got your own protector. Harper can stay right here." I brush the hair from his face, trying to gauge what his temperature is, and I feel relief when I realize that his skin feels cool to the touch.

He shifts underneath my hand. I know he hates it when I play nurse by checking on him like this, but he knows that it's a necessary evil. "Is Katniss still here or did she leave Harper?" Doubt flashes in my mind, and I worry that he heard our argument. If anything, knowing we were fighting will make it so much harder for him to go back asleep.

"Yeah, she's still here. It's not just Harper." Bubby tries to smile at me, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. This concerns me.

"Can I talk to her, please?" I'm a bit shocked when he asks.

Usually, I'm all he needs to get over these spells. Katniss must have really made an impression, although I'm not sure if she will be up to seeing anyone, if she is even still here. "Let me see, Bubs. I'll check, okay? No promises."

Katniss is gathering her stuff from the living room. Stalking and huffing as she picks up her things, but she seems a little less angry than before. She agrees to talk with Bubby, who quickly dismisses me from the room.

I don't leave though. I station myself outside the door and I eavesdrop. I hear every word that she speaks, from admitting how much she liked my eyes that first night, to some things that she and Gale did as kids, things that are a true testament to the depth of their friendship.

Her comments are riveting to me, and I can tell from the commentary she is eliciting from Bubby and his chortling laugh, that he is thoroughly engaged.

I love her.

I know this without a doubt.

I'm a fucking asshole, and I can't believe I've waited this long to tell her. I'm probably too late now. Eventually, her voice dwindles to nothing and I prepare myself, because she is obviously getting ready to come through the door. I need to be ready. I have to make her understand why.

"I do." The words leave my lips as soon as she exits the room. Katniss looks at me like I'm crazy so I repeat myself. The words don't have the effect that I assumed they would, so I ask her to stay so we can talk about it in the morning.

I don't want my first 'I love you' to her to be in a fit of anger. I want to save it for the morning light. I want to wake with her in my arms and all the pretense gone. I want to make love to her, and make sure that she knows that I am completely and utterly in love with her. Yet the only words I can get to leave my mouth are 'I do'.

My words don't work. She looks exhausted and keeps trying to leave. I'm not sure why she is so insistent on leaving when we've just discovered that we both love one another. I can't let her run from us, she will just talk herself out of it.

I feel desperate.

I feel like I'll do anything to get her to stay.

I follow her to her car, pressing her up against it roughly while I pour my frustration and feelings into a kiss that quickly spins out of control. Katniss wants it too. She is rocking against me, encouraging me with panting moans, and hard, painful tugs at my hair. I carry her to my bed and strip her. I want nothing more than to worship her, whisper how I feel against her skin, make her cry my name, and make love to her until she knows without a doubt how I feel about her.

It's not to be though; she pumps the breaks before I can be inside her. Before I can compel her, and be one with her in a way that will ensure she never, ever doubts me again. Katniss kneels in front of me, sucks my cock in between her heated lips and finishes me off. It's intense and perfect, and I think that it means everything will be okay.

I realize things are not okay though when she tries to leave. She wants to walk away from me. I beg and plead, and the desperation laced in my voice shows me I've become someone I don't completely recognize. I just need her to know that I love her. If I can make her understand then we will be okay…we have to be okay.

I don't know what I'll do if we aren't okay.

I lie to her when I say that I trust her to come back tomorrow, and the only thing that keeps me from admitting this out loud is when she says the words I've wanted to hear all night.

"I love you." Katniss breathes out quickly and kisses me, preventing me from returning the sentiment.

If I could just make her see, make her understand how important she is to me.

* * *

_First Speech, Chapter 17 (not yet published)…_

Sleep eventually finds me, although it is fitful. I toss and turn, and spend the entire night staring at the walls in my room. When Bubby wakes up, I shower him and then make him breakfast. I spend a lot of time staring at my eggs, pushing them around my plate when finally he speaks up, "Your talk with Kantiss didn't go well?"

"It'll be fine, Bubs." I try to reassure him, although my voice breaks on his name.

"You gonna spend the day painting?" My brother knows me well, that is exactly what I've wanted to do since last night. In fact, it is what I should have done instead of staring at the dark walls in my bedroom.

I give him my best reassuring smile, just because I want to paint the day away doesn't mean that I should. It's my last weekend with him for a few weeks, and I really want to enjoy the time we have together, "Nah, I figured I'd school you in a game or two."

"Weak attempt at making me think you are okay, baby Bro." Bubby shakes his head at me, he isn't smiling, and I'm pretty sure that this isn't the time for joking. _Not him too_, it's like everyone in my life is upset with me.

I take his plate and rinse it in the sink before helping him wipe his face and wash his hands, "You should take me back early. Call her, Peets. Ladies love it when you admit that you are wrong, say you're sorry, and for goodness sake ask her to be your girlfriend already."

"It's not that easy, Bubs. I messed up." He clears his throat, and I turn to look at him.

"Uh, then say you are super duper sorry. Baby Bro, she really likes you, and I really like her and well, it's obvious that you _like_ her more than like."

I wish everything was that easy to fix, I don't expect Bubby to truly understand, but he is right. If this is truly meant to be, then we can get through it. I take hope from this. My big brother always knows the right thing to say, even when he isn't quite sure the depth of the situation.

"Katniss has to come back for Harper tonight anyway. How about you and I watch a movie, and then maybe we'll do some painting after that?" I smile at Bubby trying to reassure him with my facial expression that I'm okay, even though I feel a bit shattered on the inside.

"Peeta?" Bubby calls my name once more.

"Yes, Bubs."

"You think Katniss meant it when she said that Harper loves me a lot?" His head is cocked in my direction as he says this. The big, black dog hasn't left his side all morning, and I remember the way he nervously pawed at the door last night.

Katniss and Harper's presence has already had a positive influence on Bubby. He is completely smitten just like I am, "Without a doubt I know she meant it." He grins so wide his eyes nearly close, and while this type of smile usually brings me great happiness, this time it actually breaks my heart as I wonder what Katniss is doing right now.

Is she thinking of me?

Is she worried about what happened last night?

Does she really love me?

**…**

It's late when I finally hear the knock that I've been waiting for all day. Harper and Hemingway are helping me in the kitchen, standing watching and waiting for me to drop some of the food I am preparing. I don't have much of an appetite, the meal is for the benefit of keeping my hands busy and mind occupied, with the added bonus being that Katniss is always hungry. I don't run to the door even though it is all I can imagine doing, instead I brace myself, even my breathing and pull myself together before going to her.

I open the door revealing Katniss standing there, a worn out shell of her normal self. I spread my arms wide and approach her slowly, letting her know what I'm planning on doing, but making sure to give her time to duck away. She just stands there allowing me to wrap my arms all the way around her.

Her shoulders are tense and her entire body feels constricted within itself, like I'm holding onto a thick cable, or wire strung taut. We stand there, and it feels uncomfortable, embracing someone who clearly does not want to be embraced. Then Katniss lets lose a loud sigh. A sigh that fills my ears and lets me know she wants to let herself enjoy this moment, my assumptions are confirmed when she melts into me. It starts with her head when she buries her face in my chest, then moves out to her shoulders and arms as she clutches onto the sides of my shirt. Her torso soon follows as the tension leaves her body, and she falls slack against me. I pull her close to me, probably tighter than I should, taking in the smell of her hair and the comfort of her body in such close proximity.

There is no doubt in my mind that I love her, I want nothing more than to allow myself to be consumed by this feeling. To love her entirely and embrace the possibilities of being with her, I fear that my realization has come too late though.

With my hand, I raise her head from my chest and tilt her chin to receive my lips. Katniss is hesitant at first, and when I timidly place my lips against hers, testing the waters, she allows me but does not reciprocate. Similar to the hug we just shared, she slowly lets go. Her mouth moves against mine, tenderly. There is soft give and take, both sweet and burning all at once.

I want to be consumed by her.

I want to forget the bull shit and mistakes I have made.

When I lick at her mouth, deepening the kiss she allows it. She winds her hands up my neck and through the hair growing there. The gentle tug of her fingers in my hair sends a jolt of electricity straight from my neck to my groin, and I moan against her mouth. Katniss pulls back to look at me, the look on her face causes my heart to seize and drop to my knees.

The look is one of want and pain, it is one of desire and anger, it is many things and really nothing, because ultimately all I see in her eyes is goodbye.

"I love you, Katniss. I love you so much." She tries to drop her eyes from mine as I confess my heart to her, but I don't let her. I hold her chin in place and will her to understand that I'm sorry, that I always felt this way, that I'm not placating her, that I need her.

I hope against hope that I am not too late.

* * *

**Thank you guys for all the wonderful support in review form both here and on tumblr (kismetff)! I am blown away and each and every comment means so much to me!**

**A gigantic thank you to Wildharp for keeping me straight and making me laugh! I would also be remiss if I did not mention, Hotpie, for putting up with my constant pestering about her fic, Lovefool. I'll figure it out soon, mark my word!**


	4. Outtake 4, Chapter 18 & 19

_**Peeta POV's from Chapters 18 – 19…a little insight into what was going on with Peeta during this time, plus a little bonus of what happened when they woke up the morning after their first time…**_

* * *

_**Dedicated to yourpeetaisshowing for reasons that he knows…**_

* * *

I've said it before and I'll say it again – Gale Hawthorne is one intimidating mother fucker.

Since Katniss and I have started these 'I love you because…' exchanges I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with something for her that is both meaningful and practical. You know, something she can carry with her at all times that reminds her of the way I feel about her. At first I was going to get her a necklace, but she never wears jewelry and I would hate to make it seem like I didn't know her. Eventually I just decided to do something in tribute to her father. I will never get to meet the man, and it just seems right to do something that both honors him and lets her know how deeply I feel for her.

Visiting Gale seemed like such a great idea at the time, that is until I got here and find myself face-to-face with him again. His fiancé is really nice though, and she keeps trying to fill the awkward gaps in the conversation. Gale sits beside her as she prattles on about some of the stories she has heard about Gale and Katniss over the years. His arms are crossed and he wears an expression on his face that is familiar because it looks so much like Katniss when she is trying to figure someone out.

"Did you know that Gale had to have surgery on his arm because Katniss convinced him to jump from the roof onto the trampoline?" she laughs whole heartedly and wipes at her eyes. "Oh my gosh, can you imagine having two kids like that?"

Gale uncrosses his arms and wraps one around his fiancé, squeezing her close to his side, "Well, let's just hope they take after you and not me or Aunt Katniss." He smiles lightly, "Speaking of Katniss…what is it that your wanting? I don't think I quite understood on the phone."

"I'd like your help picking out a gift for Katniss, if you don't mind?" That was easy to get out, but why do I have a feeling Gale isn't going to make the rest of the conversation easy on me?

Madge clasps her hands together in front of her, "Of course!" she exclaims. "Oh Peeta, what a wonderful surprise this will be."

"Why?" No surprise here, Gale is going to be a dick.

I clear my throat and run my hand through my hair, "Uh, well I wanted to get her something that would remind her of her dad, but also show her how much I love her."

He smirks at me, "Is that so?"

"Gale!" Madge whacks him hard on the arm. "Quit making this so tough on him, it's a lovely idea. Just wonderful. What did you have in mind?"

I take a deep breath and it takes everything in me not to roll my eyes at Gale, "Some type of pendant or bracelet that she can wear. I want to get her dad's initials put on it, but I don't actually know them or what type of symbol would be appropriate." It's harder to admit to him that I don't know her dad's initials than it should be because Gale doesn't make any effort to make me feel better about it. Madge scurries off and we are left staring at one another, then I start babbling to fill the silence, "Uh…I…well, a Dalmatian or a fire fighter helmet seems a bit kitschy…"

"Gale?" Madge's voice cuts me off before I yammer on like an idiot. "Can I show him this?" In her hand she holds a worn scrapbook, the front photo is of two dark-headed men who resemble Gale and Katniss – presumably their fathers.

She stands in front of him and he nods his response before she hands me the book. This feels private, special, something I can't delve into without his assent. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. If you're serious about knowing Katniss, then you need to know about what happened after our dad's…" his voice breaks a little bit, "well, after they died."

The first page of the book is the photo that peeps through the cut-out in the front cover, below it in unsteady scrawl are the ranks, names, birth dates, death dates, and a copy of a prayer meant specifically for firefighters. "She and I made that memory book as a means of never forgetting. It took a while and there are still some things missing, but it was all us. When they died it was bad for my family, but in many ways worse for Catnip's. I've worked hard to take care of them. I expect you to do the same."

Slowly, I make my way through the book. There are memories written and pictures pasted. It's enough to bring tears to my eyes a few times – she lost her dad and I nearly lost my brother, but in many ways she is so much stronger than I. I notice the same symbol throughout the book; it is on fire trucks and the fire fighters wear it on their uniforms, and when I finish I ask Gale what it is.

It's a Maltese cross- it is strong, beautiful, steady, and it personifies Katniss.

* * *

_Status epilepticus…yes, that's right going on about 20 minutes now…okay, yes thank you sir, see you soon._

Bubby has been doing so well lately. It's been at least forty days since his last epileptic episode – or well, it had been. His state is ever changing though, he will never be completely free of seizures or trials like this, but when we get long stretches without an episode it's easy to forget. The drive to the facility is a short one, and when I arrive at the facility I can tell that Stephanie, Bubby's long-time nurse, has been waiting for me.

The look on her face isn't reassuring, her lips are set in a tight line and she just appears tense, "If you're here it must mean it's over at least?" I ask as I approach her and she just confirms with a simple shake of her head that my brother is no longer in the throes of unremittent convulsions.

"It's been awhile since he's had one this bad, Peeta. His orders are for Ativan, we pushed that but right before it finally stopped I was ready to page the on-call about getting something intravenous." She reaches out to squeeze my hand and manages a smile. I know this smile. I have one of my own – it isn't taught in nursing school, but we all pick it up quick enough. Even though it is meant to reassure me, it really just tells me I should be worried because Stephanie is concerned. "He's stable. Vitals being monitored because both his temperature and blood pressure spiked." The trauma Bubby sustained left lesions on his brain that have altered the way the neurotransmitters fire, blocking and rerouting vital connections, because of this he has full blown tonic clonic seizures. The only blessing being that he loses consciousness when they are happening.

We walk in silence down the hall to Bubby's room and I pause at the door, it's decorated with photos of Bubby and B-U-B-B-Y spelled out in cartoonish letters. No one calls him by his legal name, not even the staff here because he is so adamant about not having any reminders of _her_ around him. "Postictal?" I don't know why I asked, it's a given that he will still be adjusting from the altered consciousness of the seizure. That doesn't make it any easier though, walking into a room with my recovering brother who most likely won't know who I am.

Bubby is in bed. He's asleep so I sit in the chair closet to his bedside and watch as Stephanie checks his vitals. His chest is heaving slightly and before I have a chance to ask what his respirations are, she tells me. It goes like this as she checks his vitals, out of courtesy she informs me what they are. Sometimes I wonder if this would be easier if I weren't a nurse. If I didn't realize how serious and precarious Bubby's condition is. It doesn't really matter though, because I would have figured it out even if I was a baker like my dad or an accountant like my brother – when you love someone you make it your duty to know what they are up against.

It could be hours before he wakes and when he does he'll be nauseous, and his head and body will be hurting. It's possible he will be angry even, this happens sometimes – mood swings that make him seem like a completely different person.

I'll be here though.

For the first time though, I don't want to do this alone because I know that I don't have to.

_If I called would Katniss come? _

_Would she sit with me so I didn't have to do this alone anymore? _

I think she would, and that's enough for me.

It's obvious that Bubby has made an impression on her, but really all she has seen is a healthy Bubby. There was that thing with the nightmare and she handled that better than I could have ever hoped for, but for the time being I think it is best to keep her in the dark. It used to just be about protecting Bubby and myself from getting hurt. Now it is different though, I want to protect Katniss - if only for a little while longer - from the harsh reality of what Bubby's circumstances really are.

We are so close to the end of our little separation, too. Just a few more days, and tomorrow is when she will get the necklace. I don't want to ruin that. I'll see her soon enough.

* * *

_Contentment._

The heat from Katniss snuggled up beside me is the best thing to wake up to. I feel content, relaxed, and happy. Her back is exposed to me, skin smooth and incredibly soft tempting me to reach out and run a finger from the base of her neck, down her spine, and to the curved slope of her ass. Her skin pebbles in the wake of my fingertip, but she does not stir. I push the hair back from her face and trace her brow, her jaw line, the shell of her inner ear before brushing the hair from her face and kissing her softly on the tip of her nose. It's still incredibly early so I curl back into her and allow the feeling of being genuinely happy to lull me back to sleep.

This time when I wake, I realize that Katniss is awake, too – she is tracing lazy patterns on my skin. It feels good, soft, and calming as her fingertips flutter across my chest and down the line of my arm. Sleep still has a tight hold on me, and her careful ministrations make it hard for me to completely wake up so I find myself drifting in and out of consciousness. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I am aware of her gentle exploration of my skin as she maps my torso with her hands. It feels calming, and I want to lose myself in this tranquil state so I don't bother trying to wake up.

_Sensation._

A pulling, tickling sensation fully wakes me. I take a deep breath and feel as Katniss skims the tips of her fingers over me and then lightly tugs again. A slow heat spreads, easing out and starting with my…my eyes fly open. Katniss is propped up on one elbow with her teeth worrying her bottom lip, she is squirming slightly and squeezing her thighs together, a tell-tale sign that she is aroused. Her lovely grey eyes are slightly hooded and focused underneath the blanket where she is most definitely playing with my balls.

Katniss cups them fully, palming them with a gentle touch before giving them another light tug. Unsurprisingly, I groan as a fucking amazing stretching sensation tingles all the way up my shaft and back behind my balls. "Find something you like, sweetheart," I manage to rasp out, effectively catching Katniss's attention who turns to face me.

Her hand immediately stills and she suddenly yanks it out from under the covers, laughing lightly, almost nervously, "Sorry, I was checking you out and I got a bit fixated." She is still naked, and as she hovers beside me I find myself unable to tear my eyes away from her nipples. Katniss has a fantastic skin tone, creamy olive and dotted with freckles, but her nipples were a surprise for me. The first time we saw each other naked, she had been shocked to realize that my pubes were darker than the hair on my head. While I was pleasantly surprised to realize that her nipples were not really pink like I had expected.

"Feel free to continue," I arch my eyebrow at her and cover her hand with mine pushing it back down to where it was previously, squeezing lightly before pulling away to let her know that I am completely okay with her touching me there – or anywhere really. When Katniss squeezes them lightly, I feel myself start to harden, and I reach up and cover one of her breasts in with my hand matching the movements of her hand with mine.

Katniss leans towards me, "I've been up, brushed my teeth and I put a mint on my pillow for you. You know for sex reasons I was hoping you wouldn't get out of bed." Her eyes slide over and mine follow noticing the red and white disc on the pillow beside me. As soon as the mint in my mouth she is kissing me, her hand sliding from my balls up over my shaft as her tongue darts into my mouth. "You like this, don't you?" She breathes in my ear, playing at being coy as if my breathing and rapidly hardening dick wasn't a clue as to how much I loved her hands on me.

I nod as I reach over and tweak one of her nipples between my fingertips. She exhales shakily at my touch, and I feel a smile spread over my features as the nub stiffens between my fingertips.

She's fucking perfect. There is no way that I could possibly recreate the gorgeous pink flush of her cheeks and lovely cinnamon pink of her nipples with paint. I try to sit up so I can pull the hardened peak into my mouth, but she shakes her head at me shifting lower on the bed and pulling the blanket back.

Katniss slides down onto her stomach and slips my semi hard cock into her mouth with a low hum. Taking it all the way in sucking lightly and running her tongue around the ridge, "Fuck, Katniss, god your mouth feels so good."

Her hand wraps around the base of my cock as she works me in and out of her mouth. Katniss doesn't stop until I am completely hard from her attentions. She rests her head on my hip bone and bites her lip, glancing from beneath her eyelashes, "I love you." Her voice is low as she bites her bottom lip with a slight smirk, and it is possibly the most arousing thing that I have ever seen.

"Oh, and I love you," I try to respond but instead my response is a mere push of breath from my lungs, because Katniss is already back working me with her mouth. She's teasing me with her tongue - it is the sweetest type of torture.

The feeling of her tracing up and down the sensitive skin of my cock with the tip of her tongue does nothing but drive me crazy. I want more of her…

…_more of her tongue…_

…_her hot, wet mouth…_

…_her nipples between my fingers and in my mouth._

I want to be buried deep inside her and feel her clenching around me as her wetness pools at the base of my shaft. Katniss smiles up at me coyly, her nose wrinkled in mock disdain, "You taste latexy from last night."

"Oh, do I?" She starts to move to a sitting position, and it unsettles me. I thought I was getting ready to get a wake-up call in the form of a blow job. "Is there something wrong with that?" I could tell her that she tasted like latex when I went down on her in the shower last night after we made love.

Her eyes drop and a lovely blush spreads over her cheeks, "Not really…It's just you should taste like me." Katniss raises her eyes to mine, bites down on her bottom lip and throws a leg over my waist, straddling me and pinning me to the bed. Her hips rock back and forth as she moves over the top of me, coating my cock with the silky fluid slipping from between her legs. I sit up and reach for her, but she pushes me back down with an exaggerated sigh, "I don't think so." My mouth drops open to protest, when she shifts her hips and starts rubbing over the top of me again, "You came without me last night, Mellark. I'm going to be greedy and take mine first this morning."

"Sounds like a plan, need any help with that?" I reach up to squeeze her tits tightly and capture the nipples before rolling them. Katniss lets out a breathy gasp as she jerks her hips faster over my length before rising up on her knees.

Her hand grasps me tightly, "I'm going to have to borrow this." Katniss states before aligning the tip of my cock at her entrance easing the head in slowly. She is so fucking wet and it feels ridiculous as I feel her walls flutter open to receive me. "You feel so good," she gasps as she seats herself completely on top of me and I am entirely inside of her.

My hands clench her hip bones tightly, she hasn't started moving yet so I push back on them slightly in hopes that she will start to rock back and forth. "Condom?" I question, hoping that this isn't a fluke and that I'm going to get to experience this sensation some more.

Katniss covers my hands with hers and lifts herself up, almost completely off of me, before dropping back down, "I just wanted to see how this felt." She asserts before rising up again, this time completely off of me. She hops off the bed and runs down the hall before reappearing with a condom in hand, "I wasn't fucking around Mellark, I'm taking mine first." That was just about the cruelest tease she could have possibly pulled and I fall back on the bed, trying to ignore her and give her a taste of her own medicine.

It doesn't work though when I feel her grasp my cock in her hands. I help her roll the condom down over me, the fact that my skin is sticky with her actually makes the process more difficult, and I have trouble getting the damn thing straightened out. I'm shocked when she mounts me backwards, with her knees resting on the bed and her hands on my thighs. "Hey I want to see you!" I assert playfully, smacking of her ass.

"Oh you will." She teases back at me while guiding me to her center where she slides down over the top of me, "Feel free to spank me at any time you want, too." Katniss quips with a groan as she seats herself fully on my cock again. The angle is slightly different, tighter almost, and when she leans forward coming off me just a little before falling back down again I realize that I can see everything. I mean _everything_ – the way her body grips mine tightly, the bright red flush of her folds, and my cock dripping with her want.

With my hands I grab her ass and hold her cheeks so that I have a full view of every time she moves over the top of me. It's fucking insane watching as my cock comes into view and then disappears inside of her again. She shifts forward some and the depth in which she is taking me is shallower, but it is obvious this was intentional because she starts moaning my name and I can feel the muscles of her legs trembling. Katniss starts rocking back and forth, never fully coming down on me, and obviously exploiting the angle and depth she is controlling to get what she needs. Even though this position isn't exactly what I need to come it feels great, but the view and command that Katniss is expressing over her own body are almost enough to make me come.

She's really wet, so much so that I can feel it where we are joined and slick against her thighs as she moves over me. Her tempo has become erratic and she is whining as she writhes on top of me. I know when she comes because she sits up fully jutting her hips forward as her walls clench around me, pulling my cock deep inside her. Katniss slumps over and I slip out of her. I'm not sure how to proceed. She has just fucked herself thoroughly and used my cock to do so.

_What is etiquette here? _

_I'm still rock hard and would like to come, but how do I know she is still into it?_

So, I tap her lightly on the shoulder, "Um, Katniss?"

"Peeta, oh god I'm sorry I was just riding that out and then I was spent." She scoots closer to me and reaches for me. I roll on top of her and settle myself between her legs.

"Is this okay? Or…"

One of her hands grasps my ass tightly while the other moves between us to guide me to her. With a tilt of her hips we are connected, and with a push from mine I am fully enveloped in her. My eyes shut at the feeling of being surrounded by her and I make it my goal to see if we can come together this time around.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Stay tuned for the final chapter of _First Speech_!

This concludes the outtakes from the actual chapters of _First Speech_ that I have planned. However, I plan to post drabbles from the FS universe that I have posted on tumblr and any additional one-shots in this story thread so if you have enjoyed them then make sure to stay subscribed! It's going to be hard to completely leave this universe behind and I have few fun one-shot/drabbles planned.

Thank you for reading, please let me know what you think! Also a big thank you to **Wildharp** for his beta work and friendship!


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